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The Orgasm Gap

Men and their sexuality is like a football game on a Sunday, everyone’s here for it! From the moment a girl is born till the moment she is ready for college, she is told the most important days of her life are when she is in a wedding dress or when she is giving birth. From kindergarden fairytails ended with Prince Charming on a white horse and in highschool absenence was the best sexual advice. While women are shunned for sexual expression, our male counterparts are encouraged to be sexual beings. Years of mental preparation for the moment we deflower, just to find out that there might not even be a finish line. Of course, an orgasm is not the only incentive to partake in the devil's tango, but why is it that the needs of our male counterparts come before ours? I’d be lying if I said that half the time I wasn’t worried about what he thinks I look like on top or bottom, or if my forehead looks too big if I tried to go on my knees. Sometimes it feels like I am not even having sex to please myself, why would I be if I spent zero time normalizinng receiving pleasure. It’s even crazier to admit that half the time I should even be thankful that at least it wasn’t forced. So it comes by no surprise that an orgasm is an afterthought. Him, his volcanic eruptions, rose pedals, candles and Frank Ocean are even considered before my Orgasm.

I am also fully aware that sex is a personal experience, unique to each individual. The sexual chemistry in one bedroom won’t look the same in the next, but according to a study in 2016 from the Archives of Sexual Behavior 65% of women have one thing in common, they never finish. While we often justify our missed opportunity of a le petite mort on the lack of clititorial stimulation during penetration, it’s important to note that this study looked at over 52,500 adults in the U.S. — including those who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual. So before we use that excuse, lets remember that this disproportionately only exists in heterosexual relationships.

At first when I heard the term “Orgasm Gap” I thought it was a bit dramatic to label the disportionality in climaxing among partners. It wasn’t till I was watching A Marriage Story when it all made sense. The divorce lawyer in the movie was telling Scarlett Johansson that “the basis of our Judeo-Christian whatever is Mary, Mother of Jesus, and she's perfect. She's a virgin who gives birth, unwaveringly supports her child and holds his dead body when he's gone. And the dad isn't there. He didn't even do the fucking. God is in heaven. God is the father and God didn't show up. So, you have to be perfect.” Of course, my jaw dropped after Laura Dern said this! Our whole lives we are taught to be that girl. Wifey material. The girl who is modest but sexy, she’s skinny but curvy. She’s innocent but flirty. She knows what she's doing but she doesn’t. And they say women don’t know what they want. How would she know what she wants if she's not supposed to look for it.

Sure, orgasm equality sounds like a first world slogan and human rights is not something solved in the bedroom, or so I thought. Us women don’t need to convince men or an entire courtroom to recognize our voice and empower us, it starts with ourselves. Once we claim our needs instead of trapping it into the pages of our diarie we have made progress.

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